General Craziness On the Planet Gunsmoke
by Pico the Great
Summary: Knives' POV. Vash and Knives and some others are being chased by a sinister figure... Hey! What's Legato the self-licker doing here? People, please start reviewing. I need feedback! Legato-fans will like Ch. 5 and onward.
1. Chapter 1: Oh Fear!

General Craziness by the way of Gunsmoke.  
  
Yes, this will hopefully be a multi-chapter fic.  
  
Oh yeah, BTW, the nature of Knives. This is set about a year after the showdown 'tween the brothers. Knives has gotten better, he doesn't try to be genocidal anymore, but he still really hates humans. Really. None of this touchy-feely crap.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Audience: You don't own Trigun! Me: D@mn straight I don't!  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
Chapter one: Oh Fear!  
  
"AAAAAAAAGH!"  
  
Knives jerked awake at the sound of Vash's scream. He glanced at the clock. 5:34. What the hell is that idiot doing making that much noise at this time of day? Knives rolled over and pulled the blanket over his head.  
  
"Kniiiiiiiiiiiives!" Vash slammed open the door.  
  
"What..."  
  
"Knives, help! It's evil!"  
  
Knives groaned and turned around. "Go back to sleep, Vash. You probably just had another nightmare."  
  
"That's how it started... but then..." Vash looked behind him, ran into the room, and closed the door. "I... I was dreaming...and the monster, it came, it was in my dreams! And I woke up, and there it was, in my room!"  
  
"What was in your room?"  
  
Something bumped against the door. Something big...  
  
"Please, Knives, help!" Vash jumped so the bed, with Knives in it, was between him and the door.  
  
Shit... Knives knuckled his eyes. It can't be for real. But the kid was actually frightened, and asking for his help. "Alright, alright..."  
  
The door bumped again. Once more, louder... then... CRASH! It came off its hinges and lay on the floor. Among the wreckage, framed against the light from the hallway, stood a sinister figure...  
  
Vash screamed like a little girl. "Mr. Cliff's out-of-tune record player!"  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
Pico the Great: Well?  
  
Knives: It was...interesting.  
  
Vash: (reading story) Hey! No fair! You made me a wuss!  
  
PTG: Well, to quote a friend of yours... "I know a man who whines, cries, and still manages to fix things." Except that here, you just don't fix anything.  
  
Vash: (pouts)  
  
So yeah, tune in next time, people. Read and review, tell me what you think, the craziness will keep coming whatever happens LIKE AN INEXOABLE TIDE OF BLAH!  
  
Over and out of mind. 


	2. Chapter 2: WTF!

Hey People, I'm back. I have a grand total of less than 30 minutes a day to write, so cut me some slack. By the way, there at the end, I meant to say INEXORABLE. This chapter WILL BE LONGER!  
  
DISCLAIMER: Owning Trigun would be fun, but it's not for everyone. (Rhyme!)  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
Rehash (or as the case may be, reVash):  
The door bumped again. Once more, louder... then... CRASH! It came off its hinges and lay on the floor. Among the wreckage, framed against the light from the hallway, stood a sinister figure...  
  
Vash screamed like a little girl. "Mr. Cliff's out-of-tune record player!"  
  
Chapter 2: WTF?!  
  
Knives stared. "You've got to be shitting me..."  
  
The record player stood, motionless.  
  
Knives turned to face Vash. "This? This is what you--"  
  
Vash broke in, panicked, "I swear it was trying to kill me!"  
  
Knives shook his head put his hand on his temples. "Like that's a new thing for you... I mean, it's not like anyone else's tried that."  
  
"Please, Knives, you've got to help me!"  
  
"Alright. Look, there's an easy solution to any problem." Knives reached over to his nightstand and pulled out his gun. "And here it is."  
  
"No!" Vash jumped up and grabbed the gun. "You can't shoot it!"  
  
"What, you're going to try to save the furniture now, too, is that it?"  
  
...  
...  
...  
  
"Yes!"  
  
Knives shook his head. "Vash, you're an idiot. It's an inanimate object!" He stopped, catching a movement in the corner of his eye and turned toward it. There it was again. The record player took a step into the room.  
  
"Is that thing... moving?"  
  
The record player growled menacingly.  
  
"I told you!" moaned Vash.  
  
Knives paused. Then, quicker than Vash's hand could follow, he brought the gun up and shot. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," screamed Vash. "You killed it!"  
  
The record player stood in a shattered heap, twitching slightly. Shards of vinyl and wood splinters were scattered about the room. Knives looked at his brother. "There. Problem solved. Now go back to sleep." Knives put his gun down and pulled his covers back over his head.  
  
...  
  
"Umm..."  
  
...  
  
"Umm...Knives..."  
  
...  
  
"KNIIIVES!"  
  
"What, d@mmit..."  
  
Vash started making eep noises and pointing to the doorway. Knives sat up and looked. Something was happening to the pile of wood shards... He turned on the light so he could see better....  
  
"The d@mned thing's reassembling!"  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
PTG: Ooh...cliffhanger!  
  
Vash: I wanna know what happens next!  
  
Knives: I like the part where I finally get to shoot the d@mned thing.  
  
Vash: That was mean. And you still made me out to be a wuss!  
  
PTG: Too bad, so sad.  
  
Vash:...  
  
PTG: (sigh) (pases him a box of donuts.)  
  
Vash: YAY! (Scarfs donuts)  
  
So, that's it for chapter two, folks! Tune in next time! 


	3. Chapter 3: Flight!

Hey! I'm back! But there's no reviews! So sad! So write! Exclamation Point!  
  
DISCLAIMER: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you get the drift.  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
ReVash:  
Vash started making eep noises and pointing to the doorway. Knives sat up and looked. Something was happening to the pile of wood shards... He turned on the light so he could see better....  
  
"The d@mned thing's reassembling!"  
  
Chapter 3: Flight!  
  
"No problem," said Knives, "I'll just shoot it again."  
  
"Noo!" Vash stuck out his hand and grabbed the gun. "It doesn't deserve to be sho--"  
  
Knives paled. "Vash," he said quietly, "why is your hand bleeding?"  
  
"Oh. It bit me." The full impact suddenly hit Vash, and he started running around the room yelling, "SCARYYYYYYYY!"  
  
Knives stayed in his bed. He hadn't seen Vash's wound earlier, because the light had been off, and this changed things. The wound had looked deep. Almost as deep as a bullet wound...and would probably hurt like one, too... "Vash," he said suddenly, "we're getting out of here."  
  
"What?" Vash stopped the yell-scream-run-in-circles-crazily act.  
  
"I said, we're getting out of here. We're leaving. Now." (Meanwhile his brain was repeating, "no get shot, no get bitten, pain not good, no get shot..." And he was twitching.)  
  
"Alright..."  
  
Knives got out of bed. "On the other hand, I'm not leaving the house wearing only a tee-shirt and boxers." He looked at the record player. It was nearly together, only a pair of legs missing. Knives grabbed the legs and threw them out the window. Vash, catching on, threw the rest of the record player out another window. "That should buy us some time," added Knives. "Now, get out of my room."  
  
Five minutes later, Knives emerged from his bedroom wearing his spacesuit-type garment. Vash came from his bedroom wearing, what else, his red trenchcoat, and looking mad cool and competent. Then he ruined the image by pulling out a box of donuts and scarfing them down.  
  
"Vash, put the donuts away."  
  
"But Kniiiives..."  
  
"I said put them away, d@mmit!" Knives snapped. "We don't have time for that! Unless you want to stay here and get mauled by an evil off-key record player."  
  
"Oh yeah," Vash remembered the record player. He started running into walls, yelling, "SCARY!"  
  
Knives grabbed his collar. "We don't have time for that, either. Now let's go."  
  
. .  
  
The two left the house by the front door and stared down the street. To one side lay the town. To the other, the desert. Knives started toward the town. "No!" Vash held him back. "We can't go that way!"  
  
"Why the hell not?"  
  
"There are people that way! We can't lead the record player to them! They'll die!"  
  
"So?"  
  
Vash got serious. "I don't want to be responsible for another death." And, as an afterthought, "and Rem wouldn't like it."  
  
Knives shook his head. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Alright, we'll go this way."  
  
Vash got big sparkly eyes. "You listened! You actually listened and didn't try to want to kill the humans and go against my wishes and make me shoot you again!"  
  
"Calm down, I just wanna get out of here." He did a mental double- take. "Did you really mean that last part? About the shooting me?"  
  
"Yup!"  
  
Knives, about to say something, turned toward the house. Both brothers heard the manic record player growl. The creature stepped out from around the side of the house. "Let's go!" yelled Knives. He and Vash began running. The record player made a "wert" sound and galloped after them. Knives loaded his gun.  
  
"Wait! You're going to shoot it again?" Vash asked, panting.  
  
"D@mned straight I am!" He aimed backwards and shot, catching the record player's needle, which immediately came off. The record player kept running, its needle crawling along like an inchworm. Knives swore and aimed again.  
  
"Do you think Rem would be angry if I shot it?" Vash called.  
  
"No!" Aha! Idea to get Vash to shoot the d@mned thing! "In fact, you'd be saving the lives of many of those human spiders you care for so much!"  
  
"Why didn't you say so?" Vash pulled out his gun. Knives called to him, "I'll get the legs, you see if you can hit the body!"  
  
"Right," Vash nodded, going into scary-angry-gunman mode. The two turned and shot simultaneously. The EVIL record player exploded into little tiny pieces. Silence.  
  
The plant brothers lowered their guns. (A/N: YES, THEY'RE PLANTS! IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE ENTIRE SERIES OR FIGURED THIS OUT BY NOW, SHAME ON YOU!) Knives looked at Vash. "Well, that was fun. What do we do now?"  
  
Vash was watching the record player slowly reassemble itself. "I dunno. It's gonna keep coming after us, whatever we do. I sure am glad the Insurance Girls are on vacation." He looked at the sky dreamily, looking all noble and cool, then clapped his hands over his eyes. "GAH! The suns, they burn!"  
  
Knives shook his head. "Idiot. So, I suppose we should wander through the desert aimlessly until we find someone who knows what's going on?"  
  
Vash got over the eye-burn thing. "I like that idea!"  
  
"You would."  
  
The brother followed the road into the desert. They had only been walking five minutes when a figure appeared on the road ahead of them, coming their way. A figure with a white coat and blue hair...  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
PTG: SO! Read and review. Especially the review part! (Shakes fist menacingly). Then you'll find out who the mysterious figure on the horizon is! (sarcastically) Oooh, I wonder who it could be...  
  
Vash: Yeah, who could it be?  
  
Knives: (Sitting with his head in his hands) It's that minion, you idiot. L—  
  
PTG: DON"T SAY IT! We must keep the readers in suspense!  
  
Knives: Oh, like they haven't figured it out already?  
  
PTG: Good point there. People,. You wanna know who it is? It's 


	4. Chapter 4: The Trouble with Minions

I HAVE RETURNED!!!! (Olympic triumphal march music) (PTG marches around house, or as the case may be, school, quite proudly.) I had better get more reviews! If not... (grabs Knives' gun and levels it at the readers) I know where you live.  
  
BTW: I'm not one of those Legato-obsessors. If it needs clarifying, which, by the end of the chapter, it won't.  
  
Response to the Future Weasel: I'm glad you like my fics! I will soon be writing a YYH/Trigun x-over, so if you want to read that... Anyway, yours are cool too, though I haven't read but one.  
  
Response to Allen-person: Hi! Thanks!  
  
DISCLAIMER! Need I reiterate?  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
ReVash: The brothers followed the road into the desert. They had only been walking five minutes when a figure appeared on the road ahead of them, coming their way. A figure with a white coat and blue hair...  
  
Chapter 4: The Trouble With Minions  
  
The figure resolved itself into that of a tall man with blue hair. Knives stared, and Vash's jaw dropped. "L-l-l-l-legato?"  
  
Legato stopped, stared, twitched, licked his arm, and walked calmly over. He used his mind powers to make Vash walk in tiny circles, bowed to Knives, and asked, "Master, are you alright?"  
  
"Yes.... Aren't you supposed to be dead, minion?"  
  
"Yeah, I was kinda wondering about that myself," added Vash, from his tiny circle walk. Legato did an evil frown and made Vash's arm bend in a way it shouldn't. Poor Vash.  
  
Knives glared. "Minion, stop that."  
  
"But mastah..."  
  
"I said stop that now, d@mmit! Leave my brother alone!"  
  
Legato sigh. "Yes mastah." Leaves Vash alone and sits down. Licking his arm.  
  
Knives looked at poor sad Vash. "You okay?"  
  
(Vash twitch and do rolly eyes.) "I'll get over it thankyou...."  
  
Let's pause while Vash gets over it...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
... Man, it's taking him forever.  
  
Vash gets over it. "But I thought you were dead? And I was the one who killed you..." gets teary eyes. Legato grinned. "Yes, you thought you killed me. Are you really that stupid? D'you really think dead people smile that much? I was laughing, 'cuz you missed from a distance of two inches."  
  
Vash sniffed. "But I don't miss!"  
  
"You did this time." Legato smiled and licked his arm. Vash cried for about three seconds, then stopped. "Alright," he said, pointing down the road with a noble expression on his face, "Let's go!"  
  
~:~  
  
They'd been walking for a couple hours when Vash stopped in his tracks, sat down, and said, "I'm getting hungry."  
  
"Alright," shrugged Knives. "Where's the food?" They looked at each other. "No way," said Knives.  
  
"Yes." Vash nodded in a small voice.  
  
"You forgot the food?"  
  
"I had some donuts... earlier... but not anymore."  
  
Knives sighed. "Vash, you idiot. I don't know how you survived the last eighty years. Here, I have a couple apples." He threw one to Vash.  
  
"Mastah, can I have one too?"  
  
"No, and you know why."  
  
"Aw, Knives, that's mean." Faster than Knives could react, Vash picked up an apple from his brother's side and threw it to Legato.  
  
Knives turned to Vash. "Vash, you fool! Do you know what you've done?"  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
PTG: heh heh heh heh heh....  
  
Knives: umm...  
  
PTG: Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh....  
  
Vash: Oh no....  
  
PTG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Knives and Vash: RUN AWAY!  
  
The next chapter....shall spell DOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!! MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 


	5. Chapter 5: …Is That They Might Go Crazy

Gah! That last chapter took a while to post. Finally got it up there. Now, as INCENTIVE FOR YOU GUYS TO REVIEW, I'm gonna respond to review at the beginning/end of a chapter. So review. I appreciate it!  
  
Response to the Weasel de la Future: Heh. I'm going to have fun with this chapter...  
  
DISCLAIMER! You're deaf.  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
ReVash:  
  
"Aw, Knives, that's mean." Faster than Knives could react, Vash picked up an apple from his brother's side and threw it to Legato.  
  
Knives turned to Vash. "Vash, you fool! Do you know what you've done?"  
  
Chapter 5: ...Is That They Might Go Crazy  
  
Knives grabbed for the apple in Legato's hand. Too late. Legato had eaten it.  
  
Knives turned to Vash. "D@mmit, Vash. You don't know what health food does to him. All I'm saying is that if you want to stay alive, start running now."  
  
Vash: blink blink.  
  
Legato made a strange noise. The plant brothers turned to him. "Oh no," groaned Knives, "it's already started."  
  
"Wert," said Legato. He looked around. "Wert, wert." He licked his hand. He stood up, spun and many circles, then sat down. He batted at the skull on his elbow. He started gnawing on the spikes protruding from the shoulder of his cape. He then caught sight of Knives.  
  
"Mastah!" Legato ran over and hugged Knives' feet. "Mastah, I alive. Me to kill mortals want you?"  
  
Knives had his hand on his forehead. "No Legato."  
  
"Alright. I glad for you what happen? Alive being you, then Gung-Ho- Guns go to BOOM the angry little vAsH-oNe!" Legato saw Vash. "WERT! I kill and make sad the arm-giver!" He used his mind powers. Vash started tap-dancing. "Hey! I didn't know I could do that..."  
  
"sIlEnCe, foOliSh Vash-OnE! YOu AnGeR thE ME! HEh HehHeHEh E! I make sad you the!" Vash's hand started moving toward his gun.  
  
Knives saw it was time for drastic measures. "Legato, if you do not stop I shall be angry."  
  
"Mastah sad be angry? Me at? Much how of the aNgRy?"  
  
"Very angry, minion."  
  
Legato started crying. "I sad that mastah no happy. Stop now I." He cried for a minute and twenty-three seconds, the ground becoming quite wet. Then he stopped and walked over to Knives. "Mastah?"  
  
"What."  
  
"Do you have...alky-hol?"  
  
"No, Legato, I do not have any alcohol."  
  
"What?!?!?!?!?! NO ALKY-HOL! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! vAsH-oNe, dO yOu have aLkY-HOL!" Vash shook his head. "What! NO METHYL! Then I caNNot become an AEROPLANE!" And he started pretending to fly, holding his cloak-thing out with both hands like bat-wings.  
  
"How long has he been like this?" Vash asked his brother, as Legato ran by shouting "NNNNYYYYEEEERRRROOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Ever since he came into my employment."  
  
"Geez, that was stupid," said Vash without thinking. "Why hire the crazy guy?"  
  
"I didn't know he was crazy. I just kinda hired him on a whim, not knowing anything about him. On his application it said something about a medical condition, but I didn't really ask what it was until too late."  
  
"And that is?"  
  
"He can only eat junk food. Every time he eats something healthy, this happens." Knives laughed evilly. "He made the rest of the Gung-ho- guns very nervous."  
  
"I can see why," said Vash. Legato sat down like a cat, licking his hand. "Aww, that's kinda cute." Vash patted Legato's head. Legato sank his teeth into Vash's ankle.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHH!" said Vash.  
  
"Maow," said Legato.  
  
Knives thought for a moment. Legato reminded him of someone...  
  
"Brother?"  
  
Knives looked down at Vash, who was bandaging his ankle, and dismissed his former contemplations with a wave of his hand. "Yes?"  
  
"How long's he going to be like this?"  
  
"I'm not sure. It can go on for days at a time."  
  
Vash groaned.  
  
~:~  
  
So the group walked on into the desert. To be more accurate, Vash and Knives walked. Legato pranced.  
  
"Stop doing that!" said Vash.  
  
"wHy, vAsH-oNe?"  
  
"It's SCARY."  
  
Legato stopped prancing. He began sauntering, and the three kept walking. The sun set. The group stopped for the night under a solitary cactus. Vash and Knives fell asleep, and in the middle of the night, Knives woke. He looked around. His brother was sleeping soundly, but Legato was nowhere to be seen. And atop the cactus, outlined against the moon, a small black cat began singing.  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
PTG: How d'you like that?  
  
Knives: (still laughing)  
  
Vash: (rubbing his ankle)  
  
PTG: I got the idea from the whole arm-licking thing. And the fact that you never see Legato and Kuroneko-sama in the same scene together. Keep reading, and more will happen. 


	6. Chapter 6: Aren’t We Forgetting Somethi...

A HAHAHAHAHAHA! I got the idea from the whole arm-licking thing. And the fact that you never see Legato and Kuroneko-sama in the same scene together. And the thing people picked up on where Legato can be broken up into Le Gato.  
  
By the by, I always thought of the musical term, but I suppose some people think in Spanish.  
  
Response to Tearron Walker: Good job on the memorization. I applaud; I've only seen the series twice, and a few episodes varied numbers of times. (ep. 26: at least 7.) BTW, awesome website. Oh don't worry. The record player will return. You can count on that.... (evil grin.) And about the blood...  
  
Vash: Yeah, Legato, what about the blood?  
  
Legato: You idiot. Didn't you even notice that it wasn't a bullet you were shooting, but a blood capsule?  
  
Vash: -.-... And the steak?  
  
Legato: Ummm... It had a lot of fat on it.  
  
Weasel!: I'm glad you were amused. That's not the end of Legato's madness, not by a long shot...heh heh heh...  
  
DISCLAIMER! You're an insult to deaf people.  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
ReVash:  
  
Legato stopped prancing. He began sauntering, and the three kept walking. The sun set. The group stopped for the night under a solitary cactus. Vash and Knives fell asleep, and in the middle of the night, Knives woke. He looked around. His brother was sleeping soundly, but Legato was nowhere to be seen. And atop the cactus, outlined against the moon, a small black cat began singing.  
  
Chapter 6: Aren't We Forgetting Something....?  
  
The next morning Legato was back to normal. Vash's ankle, however, wasn't. It had done strange things over the night, and his purple sleeping bag sported little red blood spots. The ankle, on the other hand, was red and inflamed, and Vash was sad. Knives let Vash bandage it himself. Every time he looked at it he could imagine exactly how it would feel, and this was not a good thing. He twitched. "Legato, remind me never to let you bite anyone ever again."  
  
Vash: "Let's go!"  
  
Knives looked sidelong at his brother. "Are you sure you can walk on that thing?"  
  
"Aye aye, cap'n! Just you watch me!" Vash fell over, and used something to lever himself back up. Then he noticed the thing he was using to lever himself up was the cactus. He started shaking spikes out of his hands. "Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow..." Legato began laughing. He made Vash's hands stop. "OW OW OW OW OW!"  
  
"Legato..." said Knives warningly.  
  
"Yes mastah." Legato sighed, and he stopped.  
  
The three started walking. Unfortunately, within the hour, Vash had to stop seven times, and by midmorning he was the only way he could walk was with Knives' support. Noon saw him being carried by Knives. They stopped in the shade of a stand of rocks to sleep during the heat of the day.  
  
"Dammit, Legato, you had to bite him, didn't you!"  
  
"Forgive me, mastah, I had no idea what I was doing." Legato's grin said otherwise.  
  
"Stupid crazy minion." Knives rolled his eyes and turned to his brother. "You okay?" Looked at the ankle Vash had just unwrapped. "Forget that question."  
  
Vash gave a weak smile. "Y'know, today reminds me of the time I had to carry you across the desert. Not so long ago." He finished wrapping his ankle. Knives looked at him. "Go to sleep, Vash."  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
The whole group slept through the noon hours, and Knives was the first awake. He looked at the shadows. It was about one o'clock, and the desert was silent. Nearly silent. A small regular sound made its way to Knives' ears. It sounded like something dragging on the sand; a lizard or something. It got louder. Knives tried to ignore it, then remembered something. "No way."  
  
"Wert," said the record player.  
  
Knives pulled out his gun and used the remaining bullet to shoot one of the record player's legs off. It fell over.  
  
The report woke Legato and Vash. "Knives, what's going on?"  
  
"It's that d@mned record player. The thing's followed us. D@mmit," he added. "Only six left." He held up the remaining bullets for inspection, then started loading his gun. Vash stayed his brother's hand. He smiled in the Vash-way. "Don't waste your bullets. We'll find some other way."  
  
"What other way?"  
  
"We can run."  
  
"I can run. You can sit. That sums up our offensive capabilities, dreamer," said Knives, not unkindly. Well, not unkindly for Knives. (A/N: Nothing wrong with friendly sarcasm!)  
  
Legato bowed. "Perhaps I may be of some service, mastah?"  
  
Knives considered this possibility, then shook his head. "I don't think the thing has a mind to influence."  
  
"No. I meant...well, I have one other weapon."  
  
Knives suddenly grasped what he meant. "No, no, no! Not a good idea!" He glanced at the record player, which had reassembled and was showing its numerous teeth. "Alright..."  
  
Legato reached into his pocket...  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
PTG: Oooh, what's gonna happen? (Reads the last sentence written) People, a request. DO NOT READ ANYTHING INTO THIS THAT ISN"T THERE! TAKE THOSE LAST WORDS AT FACE VALUE ONLY AND GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER! That is all.  
  
Vash: I don't see why you had to make my ankle all bad.  
  
Random Anxious Reader: Ummm...Oh Great One?  
  
PTG: Yes?  
  
RAR: I don't think the wound would fester that quickly.  
  
PTG: It was Legato that bit him. That should be reason enough for the wound to be highly evil.  
  
RAR: oh.  
  
Knives: (levels gun at Random Anxious Reader) Go review.  
  
RAR: YESSIR!  
  
PTG: Thenk you. (looks at audience.) You can review too. NOW. And keep reading. 


	7. Chapter 7: Legato the Secret Weapon!

I will report an interesting fact: Contrary to popular belief, I cannot play the bagpipes. That is all.  
  
Weasel-dude: oh, you'll see. You'll see.  
  
Tearron Walker: Well, that'll work too. Aye, makes sense. For Trigun trivia quizzes, I typed just that ("trigun trivia quiz") on gooooooogle (O.o) and came up with a whole slew of things. I got one a hundred percent right! I'm so cool. I also made a Trigun quiz: you can check it out at || |re%20you%3F |  
  
As to where the record player comes from...well...you'll find that out later. But Vash dreamed about it before he saw it, which fact will also be explained.  
  
DISCLAIMER! Me? Own Trigun? HahahahahahahahahahaNO.  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
ReVash:  
  
"No. I meant...well, I have one other weapon."  
  
Knives suddenly grasped what he meant. "No, no, no! Not a good idea!" He glanced at the record player, which had reassembled and was showing its numerous teeth. "Alright..."  
  
Legato reached into his pocket...  
  
Chapter 7: Legato the Secret Weapon!  
  
...and pulled out a piece of celery. (A/N: I know what you're thinking. NO!)  
  
Vash blinked. "Legato? Why do you have a piece of celery in your pocket?"  
  
Legato looks at the piece of celery and smiles the Legato way. "Because it's a healthy and nutritious snack..."  
  
"Oh..." Vash finally got it. That part of it anyways. "Why do you want to turn crazy again?"  
  
The other two sighed. "Vash," said Knives, "just... just watch, okay?"  
  
"Okay!"  
  
Legato ate the celery. Knives took a few steps back for good measure. The record player advanced, werting menacingly.  
  
"mAsTAH! What happen I dO heLp you TO! SaFe you bE! MUst!" Legato's eyes popped in opposite directions. Knives backed away even more. "You want to help me?"  
  
"AYE!"  
  
Knives pointed to the record player. "Attack, minion!"  
  
Legato jumped at the record player and a fearsome battle commenced. Oh, it was gruesome! Blood and guts and wood shards everywhere, all belonging to the record player! Legato jumped away from its carcass, splinters sticking out from between his teeth.  
  
"Mastah saFe now!!" He scratched his head and sat down, licking his arm.  
  
"Simple but effective," explained Knives to Vash. Vash just stared at Legato, who chose that moment to yell, "Stoichiometry!" and spent the next ten minutes repeating, "Stoich, (pronounced stoyk), stoich stoich stoich...." Then he fell down.  
  
"So, what now?" asked Vash of his brother. Knives considered. "Well, it would help to know where we were. And if there was anywhere we could get food. I think I'll go outside and take a look around." (A/N: if I haven't mentioned before, they were in a cave underneath the aforementioned stand of rocks. Which was very tall.)  
  
"Here, take these." Vash pulled a pair of binoculars from his pocket and held them up. Knives took them and left the cave, kicking away a piece of the record player as he went.  
  
He circled the entire outcropping twice, each time using binoculars to scan the horizon, but all he saw was sand and rolling dunes. Knives paused in the shade of the rocks, then looked up.  
  
Twenty minutes later he was topside the stand of rocks, re-scanning the horizon. Nothing in the direction they had come, nothing east, nothing west. North... there was a dot. A blue dot, barely distinguishable from the sky. He took the binoculars away and looked normally, squinting against the suns. Maybe something... He looked again with the binoculars. Yes, it was still there. Something, anyway, and if they couldn't get food, at least there'd be shade.  
  
Knives climbed down. Vash had fallen asleep again, while Legato sat staring into the middle distance, singing, "I can show you the world, shining shimmering, splendour!" Knives decided to ignore him, hoping the self-licker would come to his senses by the time they left (dusk.)  
  
~:~  
  
They did leave at dusk, Vash leaning heavily on his brother's shoulder. "Legato," said Knives, "don't you EVER bite anyone again unless I order it."  
  
"yEs Mastah." Legato was halfway normal. He was skipping, though.  
  
Knives gave him a 'weirdo' look and turned away. "Mastah?" he heard from behind him. "What?"  
  
"Do you have some...alky-hol?"  
  
~:~  
  
They three walked/skipped/pranced/ambled/toddled/sashayed through the night. Actually, the brothers did the walking. Legato did all the other weird stuff. Also actually, Vash had to be carried again, and he was unconscious again. "This is really not good," thought Knives.  
  
The patch on the horizon began to grow nearer. Lit by the moon, the travelers could see it was a house, surrounded by trees and a garden, yes, in the middle of the desert. They reached it, and Knives approached and knocked on the door. He stepped back, and the door opened.  
  
"Come in..."  
  
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PTG: Sorry about the delay. I realize this chapter took a long time to post. A LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time. I always try to post before a weekend, because I only write this story at school. But it didn't work this time. So I am angry. I'm also angry about the lack of reviews. M'k: thanks for all three people who bothered to review. To all the rest of you, I suggest you start reviewing, or I will tell Knives how to use the internet, and he will use it to track you down, find out where you live, come there in the dead of night, and FRIGHTEN YOU BADLY. So review. 


	8. Chapter 8: Interlude to Oddness

A new dawn, and a red dawn!  
  
I think I made that up, although it could be from LOTR. The red dawn part, anyhows.  
  
Easel-way: Yep, that's why I took chem.. last year, and I'm not taking it anymore. Luckily I had a good teacher, but stoichiometry still needs to be killed with a rusty knife. It's EVIL! As to how long the celery's been there...ooohh boy, I don't want to think about that. MWA HA! Sashaying Legato! I like keeping readers on tenterhooks.  
  
Sephiroth 1 Ripley8: YAY! I'm glad you like my fic. I like your (pseudo)explanation...it gives me an idea...you'll find out later. And, umm, as to the other thing... O.o I can't really speak for Knives. Here he is, he'll answer for himself.  
  
Knives: Sure I can visit in the middle of the night. But I will bring my gun and shoot you on sight for DARING TO SUGGEST—  
  
PTG: (Pushes Knives away, still ranting and shaking fists.) SO I guess that solves that. Um, as to the vanilla cake, let me check (visits website with 1000's of screencaps, mentioned below, awesome site) I'm looking at the pic right now () and it looks to me like...a block...of...tofu........O.o Anyway, thanks for reviewing and signing! Yay! (dances.) I can't dance.  
  
StarofFoam: Hey, glad you liked it! I will write more! (Be afraid. Be very afraid)  
  
DISCLAIMER: see above chapter.  
  
PS: Liddle old lady pic:   
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
ReVash:  
  
They three walked/skipped/pranced/ambled/toddled/sashayed through the night. Actually, the brothers did the walking. Legato did all the other weird stuff. Also actually, Vash had to be carried again, and he was unconscious again. "This is really not good," thought Knives.  
  
The patch on the horizon began to grow nearer. Lit by the moon, the travelers could see it was a house, surrounded by trees and a garden, yes, in the middle of the desert. They reached it, and Knives approached and knocked on the door. He stepped back, and the door opened.  
  
"Come in..."  
  
Chapter 8: Interlude to Oddness  
  
Knives and Legato stared. "Hey! It's that old lady from episode six!" NO, they didn't really say that. They said something more along the lines of "What the..."  
  
Because it just so happened to be that old lady from episode six: the one with the mouth like she's been eating lemons and big purple glasses and ears on the sides of her cheeks. "Hello Legato. Knives, c'mon in. You can put Vash on the couch, you betcha."  
  
The two conscious men stared. "Do I KNOW you?" asked Knives.  
  
"Yes, pray inform us as to who you may be. In fact..." The self-licker tried to read the freaky old lady's mind. He was repelled by a mental wall, stronger even than his mind abilities could comprehend. He blinked.  
  
"All in good time, you betcha," said they old lady. She winked; at least it looked like she was trying to wink, except for the big freaky purple glasses completely covered her attempt. "Now you go ahead an' put yer brother on the couch, Knives, his ankle ain't in th' best o shape, y'know. An' you boys could use a bit o feedin' up, too. You boys like salmon?"  
  
The freaky lady bustled over to the refrigerator and opened it. One whole shelf was filled with salmon and another with loaves of bread. The lady took out the aforementioned items and began making salmon sandwiches.  
  
Knives looked to the right, saw a living room with a couch, and gently dumped his brother on it. He looked down at Vash's ankle, wondering whether he should try to rebandage it for him, but at that moment the old lady bustled into the room, holding a tray. "You leave that to me, dearie, I c'n fix his ankle so's it's good as new, you betcha."  
  
She set the tray down and flapped he hands at Knives to go eat. Which must have looked very strange, because this old lady was less than half his height. Knives went and ate a sandwich, then another, watching the old lady dress Vash's ankle. A thought occurred to him and he looked around. "Where's the minion?"  
  
"In the kitchen, dear," said the old lady without turning around. Knives turned toward the kitchen, but before he could get up, a small black cat with outsized ocular orbs sauntered through the doorway. It looked up at Knives, then jumped up onto the table and began eating sandwiches.  
  
Knives looked at it. "Legato?"  
  
"Maow," said the cat.  
  
"Why—"  
  
The freaky old lady answered on the cat's behalf. "It's the only way he can eat health food, dearie. Salmon is healthy, unless you fry it. Which I haven't had time to do."  
  
"Really? Interesting." Knives started poking the cat.  
  
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, dearie. If a bite from him turned out like this, a scratch, though less potent, may still hurt."  
  
Knives snatched his hand away. He rounded on the old woman. "Look, may I ask how you know all this, old—"  
  
The old freaky lady turned around. "My name, dear, is Rhubarbara."  
  
The cat's eyes popped. It scampered out of the room, and returned in Legato form.  
  
"Mother?"  
  
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~  
  
PTG:MWA HAHAHAHAHA! I hope nobody saw that coming. If that doesn't hook you, I don't know what will. 


	9. PTG's announcement

PTG: HEY PEOPLE! I'm not dead, but I won't be able to write til April 12 or so... (I'll try to post by April 13) I'm on spring break, and my file's at school. I'll do what I can, but do not be surprised if no new chapters come up til then.  
  
Knives: Finally, we get a break. This old lady's really freaking me out. I'm going to go drink some wine and hunt down that person who insulted me.  
  
Vash: Aw, that's not nice.  
  
Legato: Maow. (translation: yeah, he might have to shoot you again)  
  
Rhubarbara: (translates for Legato)  
  
Knives: (backs away) Alright, we'll just leave it at the wine- drinking.  
  
Don't worry, I'll keep up my tradition of responding to reviews in the story. Thanks for reviewing and all, I'm happy for my faithful crowd (all five of them)! ^_^ 


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